The Evil Coffee Series
by Kiriska
Summary: You think Duo is crazy? Then see him with COFFEE! Then see his friends with coffee...then see...insanity fly and hell break loose. The GWboys and company doing things they'd never do otherwise.
1. The Evil Coffee

Kiriska: Reposted to be easier to read.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The Evil Coffee  
  
  
Its another boring Friday night at Quatre's. Trowa and Quatre are playing chess with Wufei giving tips to both sides. Heero is flipping through the channels while Duo rummages through the kitchen. "Hmm, Poptarts, Cherrios, Crackers...ahhh, COFFEE!!" Duo grabs a large can of coffee. "Duo, put that back, that'll make you even less tolerable than you already are." says Heero, eyes not moving from the TV. Duo doesn't listen and starts making coffee. 3 minutes later, the coffee is done and Duo takes a nice big sip.  
  
Heero stops flipping channels and leaves it on the Discovery channel. "Heero, I'd check the warning label on the coffee can while Duo's still sane." suggests Quatre. Heero grabs the coffee can and Duo plops in front of the TV. Heero reads the warning label, "Warning: Don't give to overactive beings. Don't watch educational TV afterwards. Don't drink more than one cup a day. Don't leave drinker unattended...." "OOOO, OOO, OOO EEE EEE EEE!!!" Duo is jumping up and down in front of the TV, scratching his armpits.   
  
"Oh no, change the channel!" yelps Trowa. Heero dives for the remote but Duo growls and snaps at him, keeping the remote under himself. "This is bad, Trowa, get rid of that coffee! Heero hold him back and I'll grab the remote!" commands Quatre. Duo starts howling like the wolf on the TV, and growls as Heero approaches him. Heero pounces and grabs Duo from the back. Quatre changes the channel to a movie channel. Duo bites Heero's arm. "Owww, shit!" screams Heero. Duo gets down on all fours and picks up the remote in his teeth, then stops. The movie on the movie channel is Jumanji. Duo gets up and runs into the kitchen, he grabs the coffee can from the trash and gulps the coffee mix right from the can.  
  
Duo starts screaming like a maniac and runs around the house. Wufei covers his ears and yells, "Shut UP!" Duo pays no attention and runs right into Trowa who falls down on the TV, smashing it. Duo stops running and screaming and stares at the broken TV. "NOW! Grab him and put him in the straight jacket!" Trowa dives and grabs Duo by the legs, knocking him down. Heero gets the straight jacket and starts to wrap him up. Duo resumes screaming. Heero covers his ears instinctively, dropping the jacket. Duo takes this opportunity and takes off.  
  
Duo runs down the hall and runs into a room. He climbs the high dive on Quatre's indoor Olympic swim pool. Wufei gets there first, "Get down you maniac!" he yells. Duo starts giggling insanely. Heero and Quatre run into the room. "DUO! The pool is empty! I repeat, there's NO WATER IN IT!!!!" screams Quatre. Too late. Duo jumps off the 20-meter high dive and crashes into the empty pool. CONK! Heero and Wufei drag his body out of the pool. He's still alive....he jumps up and runs out of the room.  
  
Duo is found again in the kitchen eating coffee mix. Trowa throws the coffee can out the window. Duo jumps out the window. Not able to locate his precious can of coffee, Duo runs into the streets. "This is bad...he can hurt people out there! Not to mention my new car!" yells Quatre as they follow him outside. Duo is...skipping on the highway, cars all around him crash into each other. Duo runs into the forest where his braid gets tangled in the branches. Hysterical laughing escapes from his mouth again as he untangles his braid by undoing his hair. Now a guy with really long brown chestnut hair and a bloody and torn shirt is running towards a mall with four other guys chasing him. "Duo get back here! If we ever catch you, I'll kill you!!" yells Heero panting hard.  
  
Duo enters the mall, still laughing. Confused costumers watch him, "Is that a guy or a girl?" "What's that guy doing?" "Is he or she, or um, whatever that is a escaped psycho?" "Lets get out of here.." Duo is climbing one of those trees they stick in malls. He's at the top. He jumps, causing several people to scream, and lands on top of a sign. "WOO HOO HOO HOO, HAHAHAHAHAH!" he screams. Heero, Quatre, Wufei and Trowa enter the mall, tired.   
  
Duo's caffineic insanity is starting to wear off. He jumps off the sign and runs towards his friends. He runs past them and into a toy store. He grabs a toy M16 and points at the others. The crowd starts to laugh. The guy at the toy store's counter looks mistfyed. Duo marches his friends back to Quatre's place with the toy gun. His insanity almost completely gone, he throws the gun on the couch and plops in front of the another TV. "Do you think it's safe to leave him here?" asks Quatre. "Ahh, leave him, I'm sleepy, if we wake up and we're in the hospital, it means he burnt down the house." replys Wufei grumpily.  
  
The next morning they find Duo asleep in front of the TV. Reruns of X-Files were on. "Well, I guess he's back to normal..." starts Heero. "MY CAR!!" screams Quatre elsewhere in the house. Duo snickers in his sleep. "Yup, back to normal." 


	2. Return of the Evil Coffee

Kiriska: And to get some more reviews. ^_~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Return of the Evil Coffee  
  
  
  
  
  
Another day, Duo rumages through his shack searching for sometime to drink. He literally dumps all the contents from his refridgerator, annoyed. "When was the last time I---" a brown container catches his eye. "Hey what's this? I don't remember getting this..oh well, it's a drink.." Duo brews the coffee, not noticing the strangely familiar warning label: Warning: Don't give to overactive beings. Don't watch educational TV or play video games afterwards. Don't drink more than one cup a day. Don't leave drinker unattended. Duo takes a nice loooong sip of the Evil Coffee.  
  
Duo decides to play Zelda 64. A few minutes into the game, Duo gets another drink of coffee. Suddenly Duo finds himself screaming at the Poe that he was chasing. Duo yanks out the controller and starts running around the shack. Duo runs out of his shack, leaving the game on, and heads towards Quatre's giant mansion. Several guards run when they spot him; they weren't to shot him because he was a friend of Quatre's, but it's not like it was safe to stay put.  
  
Duo jumped through a window, controller still in hand. Quatre hears him immediatly. Tables, vases, chairs, and pictures crash to the ground as the coffee insane Duo rampages through the house. As soon as Quatre realizes what has happened he ordered that a straight jacket and tranquilzers be brought, and made sure that the pool was filled. Duo got to the kitchen, the poor unsuspecting cooks were doomed...Pots and pans flew in every direction, knives and forks speared into food. All the while Duo was screaming stuff like, "Take that you mindless purple Poe! Giddup, Epona! You can run yer horse hinny faster than that! Ahhhhhh!! Zombies!"  
  
Eventually, Quatre and some guards cornered Duo. Duo is crackling insanely and clutching to the controlller, whose cord is wrapped around his left leg. "Duo, Duo, calm down, yes that's it, good boy, calm down..." coaxed Quatre. Duo bolted, he ran through the guard, knocking him to one side. Duo ran down the hall, plowing through any and every obsticle in his way, holding the controller like a football. One guard grabbed hold of the trailing cord of the controller. Bad Move. Duo charged even faster, the poor guard was dragged through the halls.  
  
The gone-insane God of Death burst through the front door and headed back towards his shack, still running at full speed, the guard still trailing from the cord. A troop of guards and Quatre followed closely. When Duo got home, he dumped the rest of the contents of the coffee can into his mouth, chewed and swallowed. This gave the guard time to spew, blow chunks, toss cookies, barf, puke, vomit, and throw up (suprising how many ways there are to say that) all over the floor. Duo giggled, put the coffee can on his head, duct taped it there and threw the controller out the door.   
The guards were there, one finally shot Duo with a super-strength elephant tranqulizer...  
  
Duo collapes on the barf (yuk..) a weird grin plastered on his face. The guards picked him up and..Duo gets up! Wet, gooey chunks of whatever-that-guard-ate-for-breakfast clung to his face. (Ewww.) Duo let out a crackle of insanity and ran out the back door. He ran. And ran. And when he was done, he ran some more. He made it to Wufei's house...(For better or worse?) Wufei was on the porch meditating or something. Duo ran over him and into his house.(for worse)  
  
"What the...MAXWELL!!!" Wufei got up and screamed after him. Duo ran through the house knocking over everything. Wufei followed him furiously, shrieking "You're gonna pay for this!" Duo ran out the back. Wufei is joined by Quatre, Quatre's guards, and Heero, who brought "Duo Nip" which was really cheetos and apple bits mixed together. The cornered Duo in the corner of the yard. Duo was screaming, "WOOOOGGAAAAFFFF!!" Heero had brought earmuffs. Quatre was holding a handful of Duo Nip and trying to get Duo close enough to the big, cannon-size tranquilzer parked out front. Duo approached him cautiously...grabbed the bag from Heero and ran through the fence!  
  
Duo ran into a guy mowing his yard. He dumped the Duo Nip into this mouth, spilling a lot of it. Then he grabbed the lawn mower and headed straight for the guy's house. The poor guy freaked out and started calling for the police. Quatre and the others ran after the rampaging caffine-high boy with a lawn mower. Duo plowed through the back wall of the guy's house, the front wall of the guys house, the houses of three other people, and headed towards the field where the circus was unloading...Unfortunatly, the caffine rush was wearing off. Duo got back enough sence to not ran the lawn mower into the elephant.  
  
He ran towards Catherine's trailer...Trowa spotted him, dropped the stuff he was holding and ran towards the disaster-about-to-happen. Duo turned off the mower, and knocked on the door, like the normal person he wasn't. Catherine opened the door and screamed. Duo had puffed up his cheeked and was pulling on his ears, and was rolling his eyes around. Catherine slammed the door, Duo ran through the door. Trowa ran inside. The lights went out inside the trailer. A lot of screaming and yelling followed. Catherine exploded from the roof of the trailer and landed in some elephant muck a few yards away. Duo ran through the left wall and went off into the woods.  
  
Trowa is joined the the others. When they found Duo, he was back at his shack, unconscious infront of the TV. (Which was Link lying there dead cuz he was beat up by zombies) They decided that the coffee had warn off and that it was safe to leave him. Quatre promised he'd pay for the damages ($5,875,771) The next morning when Quatre woke up, the first thing he saw was the huge live spider this face. Then all the little spiders around the room, then all the fake webs around the room. Quatre didn't even flinch. At least I know he's back to normal, thinks Quatre as he picks a tiny spider out of his ear.  
  
  
  
  
  
Kiriska: Wasn't that great? 


	3. Evil Coffee 3

Kiriska: Did I say I don't own anything yet?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The Evil Coffee 3  
  
  
  
  
  
The Gundam pilots are going to visit Earth. They're going to...Paris! Trowa stared out the shuttle window, trying to block out Duo's nonstop chatter. It was all of their belief that without something to destroy, Duo was intolerable. Heero had come prepared, he had on headphones with the music blasted up, he was after all the perfect soldier. Quatre was trying to be nice, but was obviously annoyed as ever. Wufei had purposely booked a seat far from Duo.   
  
The lady with the cart full of food comes by offering breakfast and coffee, as the shuttle entered the atmosphere. Duo orders a big cup of coffee. Quatre looks worried as Duo takes a sip. "Uh...what kind of coffee is that..Miss?" asks Quatre. "Its from France, I think the can said 'Evil Coffee' or something, I can't remember.." answers the waitress. Quatre's eyes go wide. Duo looks at magazine and drinks more coffee. Quatre shoves Heero. "What?" "Duo just drank some coffee!" Heero choked on the toast he was eating. "He won't go insane as long as he doesn't watch any TV or play games right?" he asks. Quatre shrugs. Duo stares at his friends, "What's with you guys? It's just coffee, get a grip." says Duo as he takes out his Gameboy   
  
Trowa looks at Quatre. "Awww man..." Duo starts playing Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening. "Quick, Trowa, you warn the pilot of the shuttle, Heero warn Wufei and get the tranquilizers...we did pack some right?" Quatre directed orders in a hurry. After Trowa and Heero rushed off, Quatre grabbed Duo's Gameboy and switched it off. "HEY! What's the big ideaaaaa?!?!?! I was about to beat the giant eagle!" Duo complained. "For your own good." replied Quatre. "Humph, I heard that one before and I was knocked out." grumbled Duo.  
  
Duo drank another sip of coffee. "Uh..I don't think you should..." Duo jumps up suddenly and runs down the isle (wrong spelling, so sue me Ms.Savage). Immediatly Quatre jumps up and runs after him, dropping the Gameboy. Duo grabbed bits of breakfast from the passengers and littered the aisle (oh yeah, that's how u spell it!)People started yelling. Trowa ran from the pilots, Duo ducked under his arm and Trowa crashed into Quatre. Heero and Wufei ran down the isle, traquilizers in hand. "Where is he?" asked Wufei. "I think he went over there" Trowa jerked his head towards the pilots' control room. WOOOOOSSHHHH!! The door to the plane slid open, air started rushing out. They were lucky to already be in the atmosphere. "WAAAAZZZZZZZZZIIP!!" Duo screamed as he jumped out. Heero, Trowa, Quatre and Wufei just stared for a full 10 seconds before Wufei said casually, "Should we go after him?"   
  
"Well, even if we did go after him, we wouldn't be able to anything, so we might as well go France and see if he landed somewhere there. I doubt he'll kill himself, something about that coffee keeps him alive." says Quatre remembering the pool scene. Trowa sighs, "Whoever manurfactors that coffee is crazy."  
  
Duo falls through the sky, screaming happily. He lands in the Atlantic Ocean. The God of Death on a kamikaze mission. Duo swam towards land and starts to gather his senses. Lucky for him, he was only about half a mile from the shore of...Ireland. He freaked out some poor Irish fishermen. After he dried himself he headed towards the nearest city. People stared at him, whispering behind his back, "Who be that strange lad, Kyle said he came out of the ocean!" Duo found the bank and got some money from Quatre overloaded bank account. (He hacked the password a long time ago, where do you think he all those games and stuff? Working in a salvage yard doesn't excatly bring in loads of money. Lucky for him, Quatre has so much money he never notices any missing.)  
  
Duo walked all the way to the airport. A short old man went up to him, "Is ye a leprechaun, lad?" Duo looked at him strangely, and kept walking. After proving his identity several times he managed to get a plane to France. Tired and annoyed by the time he got there, Duo found his friends waiting for him. "How'dja know I was coming?" "It wasn't very hard, Heero attached one of those tracker things on you before we left, we was afraid you'd get lost." grinned Wufei. Duo gave him a dirty look, "Treat me like a dog, eh? Well in France you warship mutts, get down n' bow ya yellow-bellied worthog." "Oh, you two be quiet, lets go back to the hotel, ok? Get some sleep so you won't need coffee in the morning." Quatre picked up their bags.   
  
The next morning, Quatre woke early and carefully made sure there was no coffee in the hotel room. Heero was the second one up. Followed by Wufei and Trowa. An alarm clock rang. An alarm clock died. A grumpy Duo entered the kitchen. "Do you'll want to make yer own brekfast or do you'll want to go downstaitrs?" asked Quatre   
pleasently. "Downstairs, you guys go ahead, I need to brush my hair, swimming with the fishes didn't help it." answers Duo.  
  
43 minutes later, Duo joins the others downstairs in the resturant part of the hotel, his hair looked raggled. "What the freak took you so long, Maxwell?!?!" Wufei demanded. "I found a dead fish tangled in my hair, I couldn't run the brush through it, it had too many tangles, the bathroom didn't have detangler, and there was some seaweed in there too." replied Duo frankly. Trowa sighed, "You should really cut it, ya know." Duo got defensive, "Oh yeah? Well at least I don't use 12 bottles of hair gel a week!" Quatre interupted Trowa before he could say anything, "Let's just eat, ok?"  
  
After a quick breakfast, the group of five left the hotel. They walked along the many shops of France, listening to Duo complain about his hair. "WILL YOU SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR HAIR ALREADY?!?!!? I can't believe I agreed to come with you'll, this chatterbox is driving me insane!!" exploded Wufei. Quatre dragged Wufei to a corner before Duo could get to him. "Calm down, Duo, let's just enjoy this ok? Maybe you can find a hair place. Just calm down." Trowa said. Duo sighed, "Ok, fine, I'll shut up, I need some coffee, there's a coffee shop over there, how 'bout I meet you guys at the Eifel Tower at 3." "Ok, but don't drink too much coffee, ok?" Heero said as he and Trowa walked towards Wufei and Quatre. "Nani? Too much coffee? There's no such thing!" laughed Duo as he ran off, unfortunatly, the others didn't hear the remark...  
  
Duo entered the coffee shop. A few people stared at his hair, then turned away. "One big cup of coffee, any kind." said Duo. The lady at the counter stared. Duo got angry, "Look, I know my hair looks weird, but I want COFFEE! KOUHII!! Oh wait, that's Japanese...French...VESEUSE!! What do you think I'm doing in a coffee shop!" he screamed at the lady. The lady at the counter got him some coffee. Duo took a biiigggg sip. "Ahhhhh...thanks."   
  
Duo paid and went outside, leaving the lady to stare at his space coloney money. He couldn't find his Gameboy so he rented one and a game. Unfortunatly for him, the only game avalible at the rental place was Pokemon Blue, but he was despreate enough to get it. He found a hair salon. He got pissed off when the lady there thought he was a girl, but decided not to make a scene. He took a seat and started playing, the game was in French, but that was ok, Duo had set his goals to kill Pikachus and it didn't matter much what the words said. Every 3 Pikachu, Duo sipped his coffee...  
  
After the 27th Pikachu fainted, Duo threw up the game and screamed, "PIKACHU" and ran out the salon. His hair was still wet with shampoo as the God of Death once again lost his sanity and ran down the street. Duo kept on shrieking 'Pikachu' as he neared the Eifel Tower. It was only 2:03 but Heero, Trowa, Quatre and Wufei were already at the Eifel Tower because they figured when Duo got there it wouldn't be enjoyable anymore. Or thats what Wufei said. "Pika, Pikachu!!! KACHU!!! PiKACHU! Pi, pi, pika, pikachu! Chaaaa! PikakakakaCHUUU!" "What the heck is that?" demanded Wufei turning towards the screams.  
  
"Oh...no..." started Quatre. "Don't tell me it's Duo." sighs Trowa. "It's Duo." confirmed Heero. "ARRGGG" Wufei groaned. A insane person wearing all black clothing with long wet chestnut hair covered in shampoo bubbles tore down the street. "Did we bring the tranq-gun?" wonders Trowa. "Pika, pika, pikachu, AHHHHHH!! It's PIKACHU! RUNNN!" screeches Duo. Duo leaps onto the side of the Eifel Tower and started climing. "We must escape from the evil Pikachus. They are evil! Deathscythe! You have to cream them! AHHHH!! It's GOT ME!" Duo climbed faster. "Awww, crap, I'll bet you 200 bucks he's gonna jump when he gets to the top." says Quatre as the group rushed to the elevator.   
  
"Back! Back, you fiend! You'll never take me alive! Never! Back, Fools!" Duo gains an Old English accent. Duo nears the top of the tower. People below scream and shout. A fire truck parked left of the tower. "RUN, Solo! You can escape! You can make it, those evil Pikachu's will never take us!" Duo waves a hand at one of his invisable Pikachu. Quatre and the others have reached as far as the elevator takes them; 20 feet from the top of the tower. Duo is inches from the top, "NOO!! Solo! You evil Pikachus, you may have gotten Solo, but you will never get me!!" Duo jumps. "You owe me 200 bucks Quatre, he wasn't at the top." says Trowa sarcasticlly. "Well, there was nothing we could do, we'll miss you Maxwell." sighs Wufei, just as sarcasticlly.  
  
"C'mon!" Quatre dragged the sarcastic group back to the elevator. Back on the ground, Duo went KEERSPLAT!! A little kid bystander did a Tweety Bird impression, "Oooo, he go down and go BOOM!!" Duo stood straight up, to the suprise of many people, and lit down the street. Quatre and company followed, tranq-guns in hand. Duo ran like the wind, now screaming: "WAZZZUP!!" at the people he passed. Duo jumped on top of a cab and scared the pee out of the driver. Duo went, "BaOOOOOga", jumped off the car and ran inside of coffee shop.   
  
Duo grabbed the big box of coffee mix and dumped it all in his mouth. Quatre went up to a freaked-out-looking lady, "Did an seemingly insane person come by here?" The lady shouted some words in French then replied, "Yes, he jumped on cab and ran into that coffee shop!" "Thanks, lady, c'mon guys!" Quatre, Heero, Trowa and Wufei rushed into the coffee shop. "If we ever catch him, remind me to kill him" grumbled Wufei. They cornered Duo, the people in the shop had climbed onto chairs and tables. Duo threw a canister of coffee at them and jumped out the window.   
  
"I'll kill you Maxwell!! You just ruined my shirt!! ARRGGG!!" Wufei jumped out the window after him. "Wufei! We don't need two psycho people!" shouted Trowa as they climbed through the window. Duo ran to a cafè, it was an outdoor cafè... Duo jumped onto a table and grabbed the umbrella. A tiny poodle bounded from another table and locked her jaws on Duo's pant leg. Duo screamed like a girl (I don't like that phrase...), jumped off the table with the umbrella. Wufei and the others appeared around the corner. Duo was jumping around with an umbrella screaming, "Evil Pikachu!!!"  
  
Duo slammed the umbrella into the cafè window. A lady inside screamed. FLIT! FLIT! FLIT! Two tranq-darts were embedded in Duo's leg and one on the poodle. The poodle whined, let go of Duo and ran off. Duo swung the umbrella like a baseball bat. "Back! Back, evil yellow rats!! You won't take me like you did Solo! Never!" FLIT! FLIT! FLIT! Another dart caught Duo's arm, one hit a fat lady, and one hit a waiter. Duo threw the umbrella at Heero. Heero tried to dodge, but the sharp end of the umbrella hit his arm.   
  
Duo took off, grabbed a chair, kept running. FLIT! FLIT! FLIT! FLIT! FLIT! Duo sat down in the chair, flipped some invisable switches and shouted, "Hahahaha, come and get me fools! You'll never stand to live the power of Shinigami!!" "I'll never live the stupidness of my decision to come here.." muttered Wufei. "You'll never...never...withstand..." Duo passed out. Heero dragged his insane carcass back to the hotel while Quatre talked with the cafè owner, coffee shop owner, hair salon manager, video game rental guy, cab driver, Eifel Tower tour manager, and the police...  
  
They locked Duo in his room and left the TV on. The next morning, Heero woke up with shaving cream in his bed, Quatre with "Pikachu Sux" posters all over the room covered in silly-string, and Trowa's hair was dyed blue. Wufei's room was untouched... Duo's lock was broken, but Duo was nowhere to be found....Wufei looked very happy...hmmmm...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Kiriska: I love me. =) 


	4. Evil Coffee Strikes Again

Kiriska: Lalala...  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Evil Coffee Strikes Again (Dan, dan, Daaaaahhh!)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Duo wakes up at 6:00, Saturday morning with a devious grin. He throws on some clothes, all black as usual. Wufei thinks I act like an idiot, well I'll just have to get some footage of him being an idiot, it will be sweet, thinks Duo as he makes his breakfast and warms a hot cup of cappachino. After breakfast Duo gathers his supplies; a video camrea he "burrowed" from Quatre a year ago, a white coffee mug, and a canister of coffee he brought home from France.  
  
Duo headed cheerfully to Heero's apartment, thinking about his brillant plan. DING-DONG. An automatic recording went on: "If your name is Relena, please exit immediately, I'm not home." Duo laughed hysterically, "Hey, Heero! When'd you get that installed? Ya could've made a better message than that! Do you really think it'll work?" Heero opened the door and grinned sheepishly (Get the Press, we've just made history, here!) "Hey, like my new 'alarm'? I installed it yesterday." (Man, Heero would sound weird...happy.) Duo's grin spread wider, has Relena 'heard' it yet? I bet she'll love it. So, don'tcha wanna know why I'm here? I have this great plan! Ya know how Wufei..." Duo and Heero disappeared inside the apartment.   
  
Half an hour later, they were a block from Wufei's town-house. "C'mon, hurry! It's already 6:45, Wufei'll be up any second." hissed Duo as they prowled towards the house. "Man, I hope he won't be as crazy as you when he drinks this..." mutters Heero. Duo snorts, "Aww, c'mon, I wasn't that bad, a 20-meter diving board...trashing homes with a lawn-mower, the Eifel Tower...nothin' big...it's not like I dressed in rags and did the hoola." Heero rolls his eyes. They find Wufei in the kitchen, preparing to brew coffee...perfect... When Wufei's back was turned, Duo carefully reached in the window and switched the cans of coffee.  
  
Wufei reaches for the coffee, totalling absorbed in the morning paper...He takes a looong sip of the coffee...After breakfast Wufei, with his coffee, goes in the den and starts to watch some karate program. "Hey, Heero, does karate count as educational?" whispered Duo from his niche outside. Heero shrugged. Suddenly, hysterical laughter erupted from inside. Wufei was laughing insanely, a small line of drool hung from his mouth. Before Duo could whip out his camera, Wufei ran off.   
  
"C'mon!" hissed Duo as they proceded to follow Wufei. Wufei didn't seem to notice he was still in his boxers...boxers with teenage mutant ninja turtles on them....Ladies coming out to get the morning paper scream and shriek as nutso Wufei runs down the street. Justiceboy finds the mailman! The mailman runs and screams. Wufei chases the mailman. The mailman finds the milkman! Wufei chases the mailman and the milkman! The mailman and milkman finds the paperboy! The mailman, milkman, and paperboy run from Justiceboy! (*hysterical laughter from author*)  
  
Wufei's intrest in the mailman, milkman, and paperboy faded when he was the candy store. Wufei runs in and freaks out the lady at the counter. "M-May I help you s-sir?" spluttered the lady. Wufei nodded with his tougue sticking out like an idiot. Wufei jumped on the counter and grabs a bunch of snickers, "YES!! The most powerful candy in the world, stronger than all those weeeaaakkkkk candies!! Mawhahahahhaha!!!" The lady at the counter backs away sloooowly.   
  
Too late, Wufei whips his head around and sloooowly walks towards the lady. "You shall not escape weak mortal woman! You shall suffer for the injustice of selling weak candies!! You are all weak fools!" Wufei exclaims. Heero and Duo enter the store, gathering it all on tape. Wufei turns around, "Nani? More weaklings to chanllenge me?" Wufei starts bombarding Heero and Duo with snickers. "Hey, hey, hey! Watch the camera! I paid a fortune for this thing!" complained Duo. "Paid? Didn't you get that from Quatre?" asked Heero, sheilding himself from the flying candies. "Uh..well..thats not the point!"  
  
The Solitary Dragon runs out of candy and runs past Heero and Duo, and out the door. "Look Mommy, a guy in ninja turtles underwear!" yelled a little boy yelled. Wufei looked directly at the little boy. His mother shrieked as the insane one approached them. Wufei grabbed the little boy's hand and said............."Twinkle twinkle little star...!" The kid grinned and finished, "How I wonders what yous are!" The mother of the kid overcame her shock, grabbed the boy's hand and ran off.   
  
Wufei looked confused, shrugged, and walked away. "Is that enough, Duo?" asked Heero as they watched Wufei run down the street yelling something about weak candies or something. Duo laughed, "Nah, lets get some more!" And they followed him until he broke out of his insane stage.  
  
The next day, the group was supposed to meet up at Heero's place. Wufei started off the conversation, "The weirdest thing happened to me yesterday, I woke up in a candy store! And this woman was looking at me strangely." Duo couldn't controll himself, he burst out laughing. Wufei narrowed his eyes at Shinigami. "What is so funny, Maxwell?" Duo helplessly held up a tape. Wufei took it roughly and out it into Heero's VCR. Wufei stared at himself acting stupid for a full twenty seconds before screaming, "MAXWELLLLLLLL!!!", got up and started chasing Duo around.   
  
"Hey! Hey! You didn't even get to the part at the zoo!!! Ow! Not the hair! Not the hair! Hey! Geez! That hurt! Owwwww!!" The rest of the group watched, rather amused as Wufei and Duo ran around the room in circles. Finally Wufei manages to catch Duo, lift him up and throw him out the window. "AHHHH!!" "Hey! I have to pay for that ya know." complained Heero. Trowa nodded. Quatre tsk-tsked. Wufei just stood there, still angry. "Hey....guys? Is anyone gonna help me here? Guys...?" a weak voice said from outside.  
  
  
  
  
  
Kiriska: Insanity is good. Love insanity. I command ye. ~_^ 


	5. Evil Coffee 5: Party Chaos

Kiriska: Where does it end?  
  
  
  
  
  
Evil Coffee 5: Party Chaos  
  
  
  
Duo yawned, another day was beginning....at 1 pm in the afternoon. The alarm clock was dead, as usual at the side of his 'bed'. "Another day of peace...what am I gonna do today that's gonna cause chaos?" wondered Duo aloud. He laughed remembering the time he had gotten Wufei to drink Evil Coffee. (Refer to Evil Coffee Strikes Again) Then, an idea sprouted in Shinigami's head. Duo grinned, today would be when he made another one of his poor friends consume Evil Coffee.   
  
The God of Death stuffed some food (Old milk, raw hotdogs, and cottage cheese) in his mouth, grabbed a can of Evil Coffee and a video camera and ran out the door. Duo arrived at the circus and was about to go looking for Trowa when he overheard a conversation between Catherine and the circus manager. "Yeah, Trowa is leaving at 6 to go to a party his friend is hosting." Duo's devious grin spread wider. Today was Quatre's party. How could he have forgotten? A new idea grew in Duo's mind like mold on bread.   
  
Duo left the circus without seeing Trowa. He went to the coffee shop and restocked on Evil Coffee. He left with three cans, making four total. He also stopped at Walgreens to pick up extra tapes, he was gonna have a lot to tape when this was done with. His last stop was home, where he got a helmet and a spear, for defense purposes. At 5:45 Shinigami headed towards Quatre's mansion. Our mischieveous Gundam pilot went inside, without having Quatre notice him and replaced all drinks with coffee. (A/N: o_O)  
  
Then the guests started arriving. Duo stuffed the empty coffee cans into the trash before anyone noticed. "Hey Duo! You're here! When did you come? I didn't see you!" the blonde arab greeted him with a smile. (As usual) Duo grinned, "I just got here." he lied. Trowa and Heero arrived. "Hey Heero! Here for some fun?" chirped Duo. "Hn." replied Heero. "That's great, I am too!" answered Duo. Trowa rolled his eyes, "Where's Wufei." Quatre shrugged, "Probably deciding whether or not putting up with Duo is worth it." he said matter-of-factly.  
  
The lasts of the guests arrived, including all of the 'good guys' in the war and Wufei. (I didn't write that! *laughter in bkgrnd*) "Hey Wuffie!!" Duo bounced towards his 'friend'. "What do you want Maxwell?" Wufei demanded. "I just wanted to say, 'HI'! Geez! I haven't even idone/i anything yet!" Duo laughed. "I'm sure that will change soon." Wufei grumbled. Duo just kept grinning. "He's up to something." Quatre muttered to Heero. "Hn."  
  
The guests started on the refreshments...which included the drinks. "Blah! This tastes like coffee!" Quatre spit out what was supposed to be chocolate milk. (Chocolate milk at a party? What has the world come to?) Duo wandered off innocently, looking for his video camera. "Lemme have a taste." suggested Trowa. He tasted some, "Blah, you're right it does." Horror spread across Quatre's face, "He wouldn't." Trowa figured it out, "He would." Wufei snorted, "He did."  
  
Lucezia Noin bounced on the table, dishes of food flew across the room. Relena Peacecraft (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!) was throwing food at everyone and screaming, "FOOOOOOOOOOOOD FIGGGGGGHHHHHHTTTTTT!" "I knew it." grumbled Wufei as he and the other three pilots crawled out of the way. "I thought they had to watch TV first!" screamed Quatre. "Guess they reformulated it." sighed Trowa. Zechs Marquise (Miliardo Peacecraft, Preventer Wind, whatever his name is now!) was hooting like a monkey and jumping from table to   
table.   
  
The guests that hadn't had a drink of the insanity causing coffee fled in panic. "Where's Duo?!?" shouted Wufei. "I don't know!" Quatre was searching franticly for Shinigami. Relena ran from the room, screeching about pools and water. "Oh, no. The pool was just drained this morning and I don't think it was filled yet." Quatre yelled as he ran after Relena. "So?" Heero wondered. "Come on, Yuy." Wufei dragged him towards the pool area.  
  
Meanwhile, Duo was gathering everything on tape, including Sally Po taking a knife and carving 'Omae o korosu' all over the walls, and Howard doing the chicken dance in the cocktail sauce. Mariamiya was headbutting with Lady Une, they looked like big horn sheep because they both had bananas duct taped to their heads. Zechs proceded in using the fine china as frisbees and threw them to Hilde, who thought she was a dog. But she missed every single 'frisbee'.  
  
Relena had, indeed, jumped off the 30-meter high dive into an empty pool, and survived with nothing more than a bruise. (*snicker*) Heero was laughing uncontrollably (Very scary) while Quatre, Trowa and Wufei continued to chase the vice forgien minister around the mansion. While they did, they saw the strangest sights; endless rolls of scattered toliet paper made designs in the hallway. Apples and bananas were stuck in chandleiers. And Dorothy was taping chucks of the eyebrows to the wall. (She cut them off!)  
  
Relena ran into a wall several times and then through a door. She dumped a can of blue paint onto herself and ran around the hall screaming 'I'm SUPERMAN!', crashing into severla people, including Wufei. "bWEAK WOMAN! THIS IS INJUSTICE! I GET DIBS ON MAXWELL WHEN WE FIND HIM!!!/b" he screamed. Heero, Quatre and Trowa sweatdropped. Relena ran out the door and into the street, where several disbelieving people went, "Miss Relena???".  
  
Duo who was very satisfyed with his tape decided to go home before his friends found him. He had a very long tape of old comrades doing the insanist things. Like when Rashid, one of Quatre's men, started sing 'On top of Speggetii' while stuffing mustard and chopped liver into his mouth. Or when Noin got hold of a razor and shaved a nice amount of hair from Zechs while he was stuffing cherries up his nose.   
  
The party endded as soon as everyone came to their senses. They all shrieked and started saying rude words. Quatre was kind enough to not tell them who was responsible for the incident, although Wufei had demanded he tell them. Trowa and Wufei played pranks on Duo all week, but the Great Shinigami was too happy to be spoiled so easily. On Tuesday of the next week, the tapes that Duo took of 'Party Insane' were broadcasted on spacewide television. Needless to say, he had to leave the colony.  
  
*OWARI*  
  
Chibi Sikeeh: Kiriska don't own Gundam Wing.  
Chibi Fique: How come we didn't get to say this before the story?  
Kiriska: Cuz it's the Evil Coffee tradition.  
Chibi Fique: Oh.  
Kiriska: I know it's pretty short, but not too bad, ne?  
Chibi Sikeeh: Please review!  
Kiriska: And by the way, Quatre and Trowa weren't affected cuz they didn't drink enough of it. But don't worry, they will fall victims soon enough. *evil grin*  
Chibi Fique: Uh-oh. 


	6. Evil Coffee 6: Final Victims

Kiriska: Fun, fun, fun...  
  
  
  
  
Evil Coffee 6 : Finial Victims  
  
  
  
  
  
Quatre was holding a meeting, Trowa, Heero, Wufei, and many of their old comrades sat seated around a round table. (Ironic, ne?) They were discussing on the terms of a substance called 'Evil Coffee' Most of them had fallen victim to the dangerous drink. And Duo Maxwell was the cause of it all. No one knows where he gets it, or who manurfactures the product, but a large sip of it will render a being insane for up to a few hours.  
  
A few weeks ago, Quatre had held a party and Duo had replaced all the drinks with Evil Coffee. Needless to say, things didn't go as planned. About a month before that incident, Wufei had falled victim of the coffee. And Duo himself had become insane 3 times due to the drink. This meeting was put together because they wanted to stop the coffee's range of terror once and for all.  
  
"Does anyone know what company makes the stuff or where Duo buys it?" asked Quatre Raberba Winner, billionare. "No." replied Sally Po, Preventer. "Why does Duo do this?" wonders Trowa Barton, clown. "Hn." mumbles, Heero Yuy, formor professional assassin. Quatre shook his head, they were getting no where. "Well, I believe he does it to prove that he isn't the only idiot in the universe." "Pi gu..." mutters Wufei Chang. (Translation: Asshole) "We need to put a stop to this as soon as possible." said Zechs Marquise, Preventer, seriously. "Well, until we figure out a plan, no one drink anything that looks even the slightest bit like coffee." commands Trowa. Everyone nodded their head in agreement. "Meeting ajorned, I'll call another one if nessicary." Quatre waved his hands, signalling the end of the meeting.  
  
Duo Maxwell, professional baka and chaos causer, who had been crouched outside the door listening to thier every word snickered and escaped out an open window. The devious Shinigami stopped at the small store in a narrow alley and picked up a few cans of Evil Coffee. The product had achieved much for him. He had two tapes at home of Evil Coffee victims. Now he had another plan. Only Heero, Quatre and Trowa hadn't suffered the insanity of the coffee, and so Duo planned to get them now.  
  
Whoever made the coffee was improving the substance. They now came in different flavors and colors....The Great Shinigami went home to his shack. Don't be fooled! On the outside, it is a ordianry, dreary, old shack. On the inside, it's...well...interesting. Has all the essentails, including every game console you've ever hoped to own! Duo dug his backpack from a pile of laundry (clean or dirty? We don't know) Swiftly, he stuffed several cans of Evil Coffee in, along with the trusty ol' video camera, smoke bombs, and a baseball bat, for defense. (Yes, all these items magically fit inside a regular size backpack.)  
  
Quatre, Heero, and Trowa sat in one of the many livining rooms of the Winner Mansion. They were the closest 'friends' of the coffee crazy Duo, and were discussing further, their plan to rid themselves of the nusuince called Evil Coffee. "It's simple. Kill Duo." Heero said in a monotone voice. "Heero, we've been through this, we don't have to kill him." Quatre said annoyed. Trowa shook his head, "All this thinking is tiring, how 'bout a drink?" Quatre nodded and ordered for some lemonade.  
  
In the grand kitchen of the Winner Mansion, Shinigami was dressed like a cook, to his great disgust, but it was the only way. It seems that his victims had ordered lemonade. Duo pulled out the container of lemonade-flavored, clear yellow coffee and poured three full cups for the servent. Duo smiled to himself and went to change so he wouldn't miss the big event.  
  
The drinks arrived, Trowa, Quatre and Heero took a nice long sip of the refreshing 'lemonade'. "That's funny," mumbled Quatre, "They must've started using a new brand of lemonade." But Trowa was staring at Heero, who's eyes went wide and was now proceding to drool all over the floor. Quatre's eyes went wide with shock, as he realized the horrifying truth, but then they went blank and the insanity started taking over...  
  
Duo sat in a huge chandelier that huge posed over the room where his friends sat. The God of Death held the video camera firmly as Heero and Quatre began to lose their sanity. Heero grabbed the vase of flowers from the coffeetable (really ironic) and drank the water from it. Quatre started screaming things like 'Where the purple marble lives!' and 'Til the seagull eats the frying pan!' Trowa, the last to lose his sanity tried desperatly to hang on, but at long last his mind gave in. The silent clown became not-so-quiet. He wailed with a voice that could deafen opera singers, it was a miracle that Duo managed to stay on the chandelier as the crystal around him began to crack and split.  
  
Heero took out a crayon (why does he have crayons with him?) and started scribbling 'Sarumokikaraochiru' (Even monkeys fall from trees) all over the walls, over where Sally Po had carved 'Omae o korosu' into the walls in their previous coffee adventure. Servents and guards started coming in to see what was wrong. And when they realized what was going on, many of them ran off to safety. The braver ones came back with tranquilizers.  
  
Duo sat in the chandelier, giggling as his friends destroyed the room. Peaceful Quatre was throwing pillows at the servents and guards screaming, "Vampires! Back! Back I say! I'll tear out your liver! Back! Evil Demons!" When Heero got bored with the phrase 'sarumokikaraochiru' he went on to write 'oyasuminasai do-natsu-jin' (Good night doughtnut-people) all over the walls. Trowa's voice chased many people from the scene, but when he stopped, it was far worse. His hair had an elastic effect and he started catapulting various household items at the imcoming tranquilizer people.  
  
Duo laughed. He laughed so hard he fell from his perch on the crystal chandelier. Shinigami landed on Trowa, then ran for it. He figured he'd gotten enough. Heero writing 'Good night doughtnut-people' all over the walls would provide him with plenty of teasing material.   
  
The next morning, the incident was in the paper: "Evil Coffee Sighting at Winner Mansion." The world came to know about the Evil Coffee and the article went on to say how they didn't know who was behind it all. But Duo knew that Quatre knew and that they were going to be after him. The God of Death packed his thing and rushed out the back door just as the angry cries of his friends penetrated his home. Shinigami was going back to hiding. But it was worth it, ne?  
  
  
*OWARI*  
  
Chibi Fique: Kiriska no own Gundam Wing. Agree.  
Chibi Sikeeh: I agree.  
Chibi Fique: Laugh.  
Chibi Sikeeh: Hahahahahahaha!  
Chibi Fique: Review.  
*Both Chibis watch you* 


	7. Evil Coffee 7: Boredom

Kiriska: *grins* I love this one.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Evil Coffee 7: Boredom  
  
  
  
  
Quatre sighed, Duo had not returned to his shack in two weeks. The only reason the shack was still there was because Quatre stopped Wufei and Heero from torching it. Trowa was rather calm about it at first, but then the arab caught him spraying painting "Duo Maxwell is EVIL" on the walls of an alley. The rich blonde was wondering if Duo would come back, or if he was already back and plotting. Quatre turned on the TV.  
  
"---And here's a clip." And there was the video of Wufei running around in his boxers. (Refer to Evil Coffee Strikes Again) Quatre sweatdropped and called Trowa. "Hello?" "Trowa, turn on the TV, channel 9." he said. "Ok....oh my...Duo's back?" the clown's face was calm. "Probably not, this channel is reporting from...L33321." Quatre told him. "Then are we---" "Hold on Trowa, someone's on the other line." Quatre pressed a button. "WE ARE GOING TO L33321 NOW WINNER! WE ARE GOING TO KILL MAXWELL ONCE AND FOR ALL!" Wufei screamed. Quatre sweatdropped, "Alright, tell Heero, meet me here in 30 minutes."  
  
30 minutes later, Quatre, Trowa, Heero, and Wufei were assembled in front of the Winner Mansion. "What is there to think about?!? We fly over there and kill Maxwell!" the Dragon Warrior screamed. "Calm down Wufei, there has to be a better way." Quatre said quietly. "Like feeding him to my lions." Trowa said. "Or running him over with a car." Heero suggested. Quatre sighed, was he the only one left to defend Duo's life? "We'll decide on the way there, how's that?" he asked. "Fine."  
  
They were on the shuttle on their way to L33321. "What is so hard about this Winner??? We go in there and stick a sword through him." Wufei growled. "Or wring his neck." "Or inject him into space." "Or wrap him up in rawhide so when it drys it will curl up around him and squeeze his insides out like a tube of tooth paste!" Trowa and Heero suggested. "There has to be some alternative." Quatre mumbled stubbornly.  
  
"Ok, we're here, now what?" Heero stepped off the shuttle and turned to Quatre. "We find him." Quatre answered lamely. "Then smear all his guts over the pavement." Wufei muttered. The group entered the city, and was shocked, herds of insane people were everywhere. The people of the colony were all crazy! People were perched on the tops of cars and buildings doing the macarena! And that wasn't the worst of it, there was a huge heap of fruitcake in the middle of the highway piled up as high as the traffic lights. And little kids were dancing in it.   
  
There were people in important suits hurling their briefcases at each other, papers flying everywhere. "Yokoshima kouhiiiiiiiiiii!!" a voice screamed from a building somewhere. Heero jerked his head, "Duo." Quatre looked for the source of the voice. And sure enough, Duo Maxwell was sitting on the top of a skyscraper screeching, "Yokoshima kouhii."(Evil Coffee) "Great, now let's go burn him." Wufei smirked.   
  
A few people in PJs ran past them shrieking; "Otanjoubiomedetougozaimasu." (Happy Birthday.) Heero began scaling the building. Wufei followed him. Trowa did backflips that carried him to higher ledges on the building. Quatre blinked, headed inside the building and used the elevator. Duo spotted Heero, Wufei and Trowa, and grinned. "Hey guys! Come to join the party?" Shinigami dropped three pitchers of coffee down at his friends.  
  
"Pppphhhh! Ppphhh!" Heero tried desperatly to spit the coffee out of his mouth, Duo had amazing aim. Trowa was able to dodge the pitcher aimed at him. Wufei lost his grip trying, he fell to the ground, from the 11th story. And lived. He must've consumed some of the coffee. Trowa turned back to Duo, "OMAE O KOROSU!" Shinigami frowned, "That's Heero's line." But Heero was busily swinging from platform to platform, shrieking like a monkey. Wufei was at the foot of the building, and climbing up a ladder of coffee-insane people that were singing, "If yer happy n' ya know it clap yer hands."   
  
"Even monkeys falllllll from treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!" Wufei sang. Heero screamed and dropped from his perch on the 34th floor. Duo snickered and grabbed his video camera. Trowa continued upwards, Heero fell past him. Some people in the building started throwing printers out the window screaming, "Blood-thirtsy flesh-eatting spotted rainbow moths from the planet Venus!" Trowa sweatdropped and reached the 40th floor.   
  
Duo was happily taping Heero crashing into the ladder of people and Wufei, and some people trying to fly when Quatre appeared on the roof. "What are you doing Duo?" he demanded, "Isn't it enough that you got all your friends to drink that stuff?" Shinigami pretended to think, "Nope! I must spread the Evil Coffee craze!" he laughed."But why?" Quatre asked. "Why? Isn't it obvious? To make everyone experince insanity! And to pick up a lot of cool tape material to blackmail people with if I ever decide to take over the world!" Duo giggled.  
  
Quatre blinked, "But didn't you fight so no one would take over the world?" Duo laughed, "Heck no! I fought for the hell of it!" Quatre was surprised. Trowa reached the roof of the building. "Omae o korosu." he panted. Duo turned to him, "That's Heero's line. You're just supposed to be silent and stare at me, it's in the script." "Well what if I don't want to be Mister Calm and Quiet?!?! Huh? What if I want to say 'Omae o korosu'??" Trowa screamed. Duo frowned, "You have to be Mr.Calm and Quiet, your ruining you GW profile."   
  
"What the hell is that?!" Trowa demanded. "Oh, I forgot, you never found out that we're just an anime, and that we can't change our personalities, and that we can never die." Duo said. "WHAT?" Quatre and Trowa screamed. "We're a cartoon?!" Duo nodded, "Duh, why do you think Heero is invincible?" "I'M INVINCIBLE!!!" a voice yelled from below.  
  
"If we were just a show, why didn't we end when we beat OZ and Mariamiya? Wouldn't we just -end-?" Trowa asked, mocking Duo. But Duo took him seriously, "Becuase we're loved!" he chirped, "People write fanfictions about us! They continue us, otherwise we'd just be void!" Quatre blinked, "But then why do you know this?" Duo laughed, "Because the author had too much sugar and forgot not to tell her characters about it."  
  
"Author?" Trowa mumbled. "I think all that coffee has gone to your head." Quatre said.   
Oh yeah?!? You don't believe me?!? Try and kill me then!! Hahahah! I cannnot diiieeee!" Shinigami shrieked. "With pleasure." Trowa fired a gun at Duo. "Trowa!" Quatre screamed, too late. The bullet hit Duo square in the chest. Duo blinked, then started to crackle insanely, "Hahahah! I toldja so! I toldja so! Hahahahahaha!" "This is too weird...." Trowa mumbled.  
  
"I. Am. ALIVE!" Wufei laughed as he climbed onto the roof. "No you ain't." Heero climbed up and shoved Wufei off. "AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!" the black-haired formor Gundam pilot fell screaming, then he hit the pavement, got up and screamed, "MY MONKEYS DID NOT STEAL THE COOKIES!!! I SWEAR!" Heero stumbled to Trowa, "I know what you did last summmmmmmmmmer! Hahahahahhaha- hic - ahahahahahhaha!" he whispered.  
  
Trowa shoved Heero away. "We of the Evil Coffee shall rule the world! Hahahaha!" Duo announced. "You will all obey meeeeeee!" Heero blinked, "No -hic- way, I'm only listening to my TV speakers, -hic-, they give good advise, like 'It's a story of a lovely lady....who was.." the Perfect Soldier went on to sing the Brady Bunch theme. "THIS IS INSANE! I THINK I'M GOING INSANE! SHOOOOOT ME! END THIS!" Quatre raged.  
  
"End this?" a echoy disembodied voice asked. "Who was that?" Trowa asked. "I don't know." muttered Quatre. "Nooooooo! Quatre you idiot! You have summened the all powerful author!" Duo wailed, "We will -end-!" "Twinkle twinkle little star.." Heero counted his fingers as he sang. "Alright, I'll end this for now...." the voice said. "Nooooo---"  
  
  
*OWARI*  
  
Kiriska: Lame, ne?  
Chibi Fique: Yeah, why'd you write it?  
Kiriska: 'Cuz I had nothing else to write, cuz I'm stuck on ideas for all my fics  
Chibi Sikeeh: But this is..this is just weird!  
Chibi Fique: It's not even funny anymore...  
Kiriska: Don't say that! You'll curse our reviews! Say it with me, 'IT WAS FUNNY'  
Chibis: *blink*  
Kiriska: SAY IT!  
Chibis: It was funny.  
Kiriska: Thank you, *turns to reader* Now go review before I hurl you into fic-land and zap you into a slug or something.  
Chibi Fique: By the way, we don't own Gundam Wing, the Brady Bunch, or I Know What You Did Last Summer. Don't sue us, cuz it's annoyed having the doorbell ringing at 4 in the morning.  
  
REVIEW! NOW! I COMMAND YE! 


	8. Evil Coffee 8: Letter to the Makers

Chibi Fique: YAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!  
Chibi Sikeeh: Shut up goshdarnit!  
Chibi Tiyan: Aw, man...  
Kiriska: Heheheheh, hey, it had to pick up again sooner or later!  
Mayakashi: Why couldn't it just end?  
Kiriska: Fans, Maya, fans!  
Akutareru: YAY!  
Everyone: We do not own Gundam Wing. However Evil Coffee, Evil Coffee Co., and related coffee products do belong to us, SO THERE!  
  
Note: Everything that happened in Ch.7 never happened, kay? Hehehe.  
  
  
  
  
  
Evil Coffee 8: Letter to the Makers (COMPLETE!!)  
  
The Gundam Pilots minus Duo were assembled once again in the drawing room of the Winner Mansion. "We seriously need to put a stop to this." Quatre said, stating the obvious. "Tell me again, why we simply can't kill him!" Wufei growled. "That'd be cold-blooded murder!" the blonde exclaimed. "No it wouldn't." Heero stated monotonely. Trowa sighed.  
  
One of the servents came in holding a vaguely familiar metal canister, "Zees was found een zee trash can, sir." he said, holding out the can to Quatre. The arab took the can, somewhat confused, and examined it. He scanned the labels, and his eyes widened. "This is a used canister of Evil Coffee!" he exclaimed, "Thanks Frances!" The servent nodded, bowed and left the room.  
  
"So what? Burn the thing." Wufei snorted. "No, no, look, it has the address and stuff for the company who makes the stuff!" Quatre explained. Wufei raised an eyebrow. "So,...what are you suggesting, do we go blow up the company?" Trowa shook his head. "Of course not, we'll never get to do anything like that as long as Quatre's around." The blonde shot his friend a look.  
  
"Then what are you suggesting we do?" Heero asked. "We can write them a letter, maybe they're not aware of what their coffee does." Quatre answered. "Not aware!? Are you that stupid, Winner? They have warning labels on the thing! Look! It's even worse than it ever was!" Wufei snatched the canister from Quatre. He read the labeling aloud; "Warning: Drinker beware, this coffee will render you completely insane for a matter of hours." "That's sure as hell true." Trowa muttered.  
  
"I still we write them a letter, maybe we can ask them to stop producing the product." Quatre suggested. "Uh-huh, sure." Trowa said, "Like they gonna listen to us." "Hey! We're war heros! They have to listen!" the blonde argued. Heero blinked; "Wheren't you the one who said never to use that to your advantage?" he asked. Quatre flushed, "Well this is important!" "Alright fine, but it's not going to work." Wufei growled.  
  
--------------------  
Subject: Evil Coffee  
To: ECHO (Evil Coffee Head Operations) 1331 Blackburn Rd. Enasni, RI, 11331, USA  
From: 2673 Winner Ln. Colony L:44892, USU  
  
Makers of Evil Coffee:  
  
A close friend of mine has been addicted to your product, Evil Coffee, for quite some time now. We do not believe continuing to sell this product is safe for our friend, or the community. We have had one too many adventures that landed in disaster because of your product. Evil Coffee is a threat to the sanity of the universe, we hope you understand that.  
  
Yes, you did give fair warning on the packaging. But the average person does not realize the dangers of this coffee. In addition to that, my friend has a serious problem, the coffee seems to have a permenant affect on him. He continously tries to make us fall victim to your strange drink. This has caused many problems for our colony. You may have heard about some of these incidents.  
  
Vice Forgien Minister Dorlan is a very important part of our life, she helps maintain the peace between colonies and Earth. But, as a result of the coffee, she has been landed in an ayslum for a few months. (Refer to Evil Coffee: Valentine's Special) This is not right. Another time, he poisoned a party of important war-heros. This was a disaster and caused over 5 million in damage.  
  
If you continue to make this product the madness will not stop. Please listen to our plees and at least consider. The santy of the universe lays in your decision. If you do not stop, there are chances your company is in danger from my quite violent friends. Thank you for your time, and I hope you listen.  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Quatre Raberba Winner  
--------------------  
  
Quatre sent the letter on it's way. "Why didn't you use email?" Trowa wondered. The blonde blinked. Wufei snorted; "Blondes...weaklings..." Quatre sighed. He hoped it would work...  
  
A week past, during which, Duo got a whole school of children insane by replacing the milk with coffee. That did not look good in the news. Quatre became fusterated and considered sending another letter. Duo was having the time of his life, plotting on who to get next. Wufei, Heero, and Trowa came up with a list of 1001 ways to kill Duo. The blonde arab waited each day for the mail. Then, it came. The letter came with a large package.  
  
--------------------  
Subject: Re: Evil Coffee  
To: 2673 Winner Ln. Colony L:44892, USU  
From: ECHO (Evil Coffee Head Operations) 1331 Blackburn Rd. Enasni, RI, 11331, USA  
  
Mr. Winner:  
  
Thank you for your letter. You have won a free can of Lemonade Flavored Evil Coffee for being the 1st person sane enough to contact us! We have no intension of stopping production of our number one selling product on the black market. The coffee is a perfect weapon, your friend is a very smart person. Miss Relena's incident was very humorous to the staff and we hope your friend does something like that again.  
  
We understand that the sane people of the world will have a problem with this, but we of The Evil Coffee Co. have solemly sworn that we will take over the world with the Evil Coffee Craze. We have gotten much support from fellow psychopaths. Our leading customer so far is one Duo Maxwell. If you a sane person Mr. Winner you should be smart and leave us alone. You will only go insane. Thank you for you time and enjoy your coffee!  
  
Crazily,  
  
Nekkyou Kouhii, President of The Evil Coffee Co.  
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Quatre stared at the letter in disbelief. They're out to take over the world?! This Evil Coffee Company was indeed another threat to the peace they had worked so hard for. But what could they do? Duo was their leading customer? What was he thinking? Was he aware that me was helping an evil organization in it's plans for world domination. A evil, psychotic organization at that?  
  
The company was run by a group of crazy people! What fool wad funding this company?! The blonde called Heero. The Perfect Solider's face appeared on the VisaCommunicator. "What do you want Quatre?" he asked. "Heero, I need you to hack up as much information about The Evil Coffee Co. now!" he commanded. "Why?" the other wondered. "Just do it!" the blonde screamed. "Alright, alright, fine." Heero agreed, surprised at Quatre's behavior.  
  
Quatre sat at his desk, sweat poured from his brow. This was serious. What could they do? Maybe Wufei and the others could just blow up the ECHO and be done with it. The arab sat there thinking for the better of an hour when the phone rang. Heero's face once again appeared.  
  
"Goddamnit, these people know how to set up security! It took me almost the whole hour to break in! Then after that the whole thing was coded. I managed to break the codes, but what I got still doesn't really make sense." Heero said. Quatre blinked, "What do you mean?" His old ally sighed, "I can decode anything, but not riddles. Here, it says: 'Only the insane can solve this, you the sane, are stupid, Coffee are for the psychs, idiots, and bikes! Heehee!' "   
  
Quatre blinked; "Ooooookay.....I don't get it." "Neither do I, but it can be just a false...thing." the other said. "What else did you find?" Heero glanced at something; "Well, that's all for now, I'll have to dig further to find more." "Do it, just try to hurry." Heero nodded and the screen went black.   
  
"Nothing!" Heero cried irritablely, "There is absolutely NOTHING on here! They just put up a database to taunt me! TAUNT ME! I HATE THEM!!" Everyone in the room sweatdropped. "Calm down, Heero." Quatre muttered. "Why can't we just ask Duo?" Trowa wondered. "ARE YOU INSANE!??!" Wufei demanded. "WE DO NOT ASK MAXWELL FOR HELP! IT IS WEAK!!" he screamed. Once again, everyone sweatdropped.  
  
"I'm going to write another letter." Quatre announced.   
  
  
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Subject: Re: Re: Evil Coffee  
To: ECHO (Evil Coffee Head Operations) 1331 Blackburn Rd. Enasni, RI, 11331, USA  
From: 2673 Winner Ln. Colony L:44892, USU  
  
  
Nekkyou Kouhii,  
  
You are insane, continuation of your plans is futile and stupid. There is no point in it, it is impossible to controll the world this way. No one is stupid enough to follow the insane.  
  
Sincerely,  
  
Quatre R. Winner  
---------------------------  
  
Short, sweet, and simple. Their reply?  
  
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Subject: Re: Re: Re: Evil Coffee  
To: 2673 Winner Ln. Colony L:44892, USU  
From: ECHO (Evil Coffee Head Operations) 1331 Blackburn Rd. Enasni, RI, 11331, USA  
  
Mr.Winner,  
  
Don't make me sick my goat on you. It is rather simple to take over the world with coffee. It becomes addictive you see, and all those addicted will be under our control and get others addicted. One only needs to consume our wonderful product 3 times to become our slave, muwahahahaahah!!!! Ahem. So give up now, mister sane man. Goodbye.  
  
Leave me alone,  
  
Nekkyou Kouhii, President of The Evil Coffee Co.  
-------------------------------  
  
Quatre glared at the letter angrilly. A servent walked into the room, "Sir, Mister Maxwell has set the garden on fire,..again." Quatre sighed; "Take the goat outside, that usually calms him down." the rich guy then turned back to write another letter.  
  
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Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Evil Coffee  
To: ECHO (Evil Coffee Head Operations) 1331 Blackburn Rd. Enasni, RI, 11331, USA  
From: 2673 Winner Ln. Colony L:44892, USU  
  
Nekkyou Kouhii,  
  
This is stupid. Why do you want to take over the world anyway? Peace is a good thing, everyone is happy this way.  
  
Quatre R. Winner  
--------------------------------  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Evil Coffee  
To: 2673 Winner Ln. Colony L:44892, USU  
From: ECHO (Evil Coffee Head Operations) 1331 Blackburn Rd. Enasni, RI, 11331, USA  
  
Mr.Winner,  
  
You are starting to tire me. Peace is not good, there is no such thing as 'peace'. No matter how many nations are brought together, there will always be unhumane slaughter of goats. So we shall take over the world to save thy goats! SAVE THE GOATS!! Hehehehehehehe. Do not send me another letter, please. My goat is allergic to your scent.  
  
Nekkyou Kouhii, President of The Evil Coffee Co.  
-----------------------------------  
  
Goats?! What's with these goats!? Quatre boiled angrilly and scribbled another response.  
  
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Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Evil Coffee  
To: ECHO (Evil Coffee Head Operations) 1331 Blackburn Rd. Enasni, RI, 11331, USA  
From: 2673 Winner Ln. Colony L:44892, USU  
  
Nekkyou Kouhii,  
  
What's with the goats?! Who cares about the goats!? The human race is more important than any ol' goat!  
  
Quatre R. Winner  
-------------------------------------  
  
"Sir, Mister Maxwell has released all the goats on the colony and they are running the length of the hall." the servent poked his head in again. Quatre blinked; "Um...shoot them or something...goddamnit..."  
  
------------------------------------  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Evil Coffee  
To: 2673 Winner Ln. Colony L:44892, USU  
From: ECHO (Evil Coffee Head Operations) 1331 Blackburn Rd. Enasni, RI, 11331, USA  
  
Mr.Winner,  
  
You didn't take me seriously did you!? Did you!? Goddamnit! Didn't yo' momma ever tell you not to mess with the crazies?! Huh!? Fool! How you shall see the true power of our Insanity! Muwahahahahah!! Turn on you tellie! Hehehehehe  
  
Nekkyou Kouhii, President of The Evil Coffee Co.  
--------------------------------------  
  
Quatre switched on his television in confusion. "--and no one seems to know why, but today, all the ... goats ....on Earth and the colonies have been somehow released and are now running amock everywhere. Goats in the garden, goats eatting things, goats in the office, goats everywhere! Scientists are unsure of why these--" The blonde switched off the TV and ran outside of his office. "I THINK I'M GOING INSANE!!! YEAH THAT'S IT! I'M INNNSAAAANNNEEEE!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA!!!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Kiriska: Um....review? Please? lol. Hehehehe, goats. *snicker* 


End file.
